I really want a dad
It is hard to admit
but I cried thinking about the substitutes
that never cut it
the PE coach who said he’d teach me to throw
but was too busy
the pastor who told me never to become a pastor
and was so afraid when I failed to be honest
that he would be left cleaning up the mess
or the tens of men who I sought sex with
because I wanted someone to affirm I could grow
from a boy
to a man
I cursed the thought that I might need someone else
I repeated the harm of standing at a distance
waiting to be seen
watching my Dad laugh with someone else
wondering what it would take for him to laugh with me
Today I will bless my longing for a good dad
and I will stop worrying what others might think
