RE: dad

I really want a dad

It is hard to admit

but I cried thinking about the substitutes

that never cut it

the PE coach who said he’d teach me to throw

but was too busy

the pastor who told me never to become a pastor

and was so afraid when I failed to be honest

that he would be left cleaning up the mess

or the tens of men who I sought sex with

because I wanted someone to affirm I could grow

from a boy

to a man

I cursed the thought that I might need someone else

I repeated the harm of standing at a distance

waiting to be seen

watching my Dad laugh with someone else

wondering what it would take for him to laugh with me

Today I will bless my longing for a good dad

and I will stop worrying what others might think